The Benefit of Mistakes

As a parent, I always do my best to measure when my kids might be in a dangerous situation and whether they're safe enough to do something on their own. It's a delicate balance because I want to give my children autonomy, but I like to be around just in case something happens. There are also times in our lives when one mistake prevents an even larger problem from occuring.

This is one of those situations.

A few days ago, when my family was at the pool, my son tried to grab his beach ball out of the kiddie pool while standing on the side of the pool. He overbalanced and fell into the water. He was fine because the water was shallow and he was wearing his arm floats. So, all that happened is he got wet and was scared.

Earlier today, we went to my friends' house for a barbecue. They opened their pool and Allison, Shannon, and I spent time swimming and playing around while Ian played with balls, ran around the yard, and spent time hanging out with different people. We had forgotten to pack the ketchup that our kids can use, so Allison left to go home to grab it. That meant I was watching both kids by myself. Shannon asked if I would get in the pool and swim with her, but I told her:

Your mother isn't here, so I have to stay out of the pool so I can watch your brother.

About ten minutes after I said that, Ian spotted a ball that he wanted. It was sitting in the water in the deep end of the pool. I immediately thought of his accident at the kiddie pool from a few days ago, so I told him to walk over there and I would get the ball for him.

As I came around the diving board, looking at it so I didn't trip, I heard a splash. I looked into the pool and all I saw were my son's sneakers.

I said, "SHIT!" and dove.

Everything that happened in the next minute was all instinct. I got under my son, and tried to shove him out of the water. My grip slipped on his clothes, so he didn't get out the first time I tried.

I grabbed a hold of him and bodily hauled him above the water. I remember asking him if he was okay and noticing that he only coughed once or twice (a miracle since he was under water for at least 20-30 seconds, but I think when I grabbed him I caught his stomach so any air that was in his system wooshed out and took any water with it), and getting him out of the pool. He was very upset that he was wet (he had issues with being in a bathtub before ending up in two pools unintentionally in a four day period, so who knows when he'll get over that issue), and he was very scared. So, I picked him up and got him some dry clothes. My friend Tracey gave him lots of hugs and love because "he looked like he needed it" and she was right.

Allison didn't get to find out about all of this until she came back because I only thought to call her phone and not mine (which was in the car she was driving). I'll take a mulligan because my brain was still running on adrenaline and was in shock when I tried to call her.

What bothers me the most about this incident is why it occurred. My son was pushed by another three year old boy. Now, this may or may not be standard three year old behavior, but in this instance it wasn't.

You see, there was a real gem of a male role model (after watching his behavior, I refuse to call him a "father") who thought that putting a flotation device on his three year old son and randomly pushing him into the pool without warning would help him learn how to swim.

Let that sink in for a second.

That was pretty average behavior for this idiotic waste of flesh.

So, since he had been shoved into the pool without warning, this little boy figured that it was okay for him to do that to other people. Which is how my son almost ended up as a statistic or needing emergency medical attention.

What really galls me is that people tried to tell me the kid has behavior problems. Well, GEE. I wonder where on God's green Earth how he would end up with that sort of thing?

After Allison arrived and some time had passed, I had to go spend some time by myself. I was done with being around people (especially when the mother of the little boy's mother tried to have me be her sympathetic ear to unburden herself about her true feelings about her grandson's sperm donor) and I was starting to seethe.

When I was walking my wet, scared son towards the house, I told this genius, "You can stop shoving your son into the pool because he just shoved my son into the deep end of the pool."

I repeatedly told people who were apologizing to me and talking to me about the boy and his issues that I "don't blame him at all", "he's three years old", and other similar things. I will continue to say that and I will say that until the day that I die. That little boy was simply mirroring behavior that he experienced because he was led to believe that it was allowed and appropriate. Three year old children can't distinguish between people who have flotation devices and people who don't. They're in a "monkey see, monkey do" headspace and I've experienced that first hand when my son started sticking his hands in his pockets to kick a soccer ball with me because that's what I had done without thinking about it.

I'm trying to figure out how to describe how I feel about this whole situation and the best words I can come up with are "emotionally overwhelmed". I'm glad I don't have to make a video or anything in order to post this journal entry because there'd be a lot of silence and me grasping for words.

It sounds very cliche to me to end this with a statement like "always watch your kids around a pool", but it's the very best advice I can give. No other adult near the pool knew something wasn't right until I hit the water. They didn't know what the real problem was until I hauled my son to the surface. I don't say these words with the intention of encouraging anyone to walk three feet behind their kid wherever they go around a pool. When I was walking up to get the ball for my son, I walked on the opposite side of the pool from him and kept my eye on him. Kids still need the space, in my opinion, to be kids instead of having parents hovering around them all the time. My son had walked around the pool numerous times by himself earlier in the day. What set off my parental radar was his desire to obtain the ball and the similarities of the situation to the previous fall he had in the kiddie pool.

When my son gets comfortable walking around a pool again (and when that will happen is anyone's guess), I'll admit that I'm going to be a bit twitchy. That honestly can't be helped. But, I will do my best to let him have his space while I continue to keep a keen eye on him.